Always be grateful

"The more I read about people's life events, the more I feel that life is unfair. Well, life isn't a competition right? Peace!!!"

 I am trying to update this post fully in English, well well Fify got problems in her languages including Malay. Pardon her. I seriously don't know where to start, but I guess I have that some feeling of jealousy of other's life.

 Recently, every time I had free time, I will open FB or IG. I usually opened FB because lately, I am following some of great people who are great at properties management especially related to real estate property. While reading their successful story, and of course while I am scrolling the FB, others friend successful story ex;- managed to buy a house below market value, having positive cash flow, graduated in Master of Architecture, travel to too many places, having a good job, having a nice car, finally getting married, and etc... somehow it makes me think of how awful I am, lack in too many things and yet still struggling going to class and research every morning. 

 Every time I see those people (those who great at anything) , I keep thinking.. 

"Oooh, I should have started earlier.."

"Haih..I should fully concentrated in every language class, improved my language since childhood.."

"Oooh..I should followed my dreams earlier."

I keep regretting on too many things, and honestly the thing that I've regretted the most in my life isーpursuing my studies in Engineering. Back then, I keep thinking that how I should appreciated everything that happens in my life cause we might not know, others might think how lucky they were if they were me right? I am very sure, how many thousands of them who want to further study in overseas but didn't have the chances for it.

 It somehow took me a long time to take myself back to the track, I mean to realize that we should appreciate and thank to the God every seconds, even tiny little things that happen in our life. Everybody has their part, divided equally.. You got more on there, but you got less on this. That is LIFE. And everything happens for a reason. To keep you becoming closer to Allah. 

 I guess if I didn't get the opportunities studying in Japan, I wouldn't meet nicest people around me, I wouldn't learn to be strong, I wouldn't realize that family bonding is the happiest part of life, I wouldn't know that distance actually make the heart grow fonder, I wouldn't know to manage money or even small little things in my life, I wouldn't have a chance to travel places that Ive dreamt for, I might burden my parents a lot, and...and...... I wouldn't meet someone that InsyaAllah be the half me. =')

 "Be thankful for what you  have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough"_ Oprah Winfrey

Too scared to be home.

[Luahan yang dah lama tersimpan baru nak update semula]
Dear diary,
Rasa nak luahkan dekat semua orang, rasa takutnya untuk back for good.
Rasa macam kena prepare mental gila2, prepare hati, prepare spiritual and urgghhhh macam2 lagi lah. And with too many news bunuh2, lagila feeling menyesal teramat2 tak masuk seni mempertahankan diri. Since dah confirm tak sengaja jadi Engineer di Malaysia, hampir setiap malam tak boleh tidur lena. Otak dok fikir segala macam "taisaku' preparation untuk berada di Malaysia. Ok, let me list down what make me too scared to be home. HONESTLY, I AM NOT READY.

1. Driving in Malaysia wouldn't be the same in Japan.
My driving confidence has dropped to 0 percent in Malaysia, unless I drove 4wd car yang gedabak cket but tu pun confidence naiklah serba sedikit sebanyak 47 percent. Hmmm..i know, i know im that type yang nak laju je, tapi seriously laju2 di Japan terasa selamatnya sebab, entah.. I just feel safe. Di Malaysia, heh.. as pemandu sang kancil yang lapuk, memang kadang geram dengan driver2 di Malaysia. Kereta besar, mewah sikit mulalah berlagak. Apa guna penuh adat, sopan santun tapi di jalan raya, bertopengkan syaitan. And... ditambah lagi with some stories yang tak menyenangkan, kene sodok dari belakang lah, itula, inilah...and all of these made me to reconsider in owning 4wd car yang gemok2.. nak beli Range Rover Evoque ke, Audi Q7 ke.. memang dah tua agaknya baru boleh beli. Tapi paling terbaik, kalaulah ayah boleh jadi driver, walaupun beliau pernah menyuarakan hasrat nak jadi driver anaknya ini. Now, I seemly to understand ayah always said to me, "tak payah nak mengada2 drive sorang2, darah manis.." hmmm darah manisss sangat.

2. I am too scared with the guys.
I guess since last year kot, I got that feeling which is meluat. Bayangkanlah, nak buat passport je pun, dah buat muka kelat gila sebab orang yang buat kerja tu lelaki, siap ibu tegur suruh senyum. Yeah, ive become heartless fify, mahal dengan senyum when it comes to unknown guys, tak kisah la dia senyum2 nak ambil order ke, buat2 peramah ke, all I know is to shut up my mouth and buat pekak. Ceh, confident habis nak kena ngorat, but let it be.. tak ada motif pun nak sengeh2, coz o pleaseeee I am too scared dengan jejaka Malaysia. I know tak semua jahat, tapi.... haih. I only feel so safe if ayah ada di sebelah. Lintas jalan pun kalau boleh, nak ada ayah.

3. Too scared with the Malaysian yang gila2kan fashion.
I made a conclusion, lelaki tak akan mudah nak tegur perempuan tu if pemakaian dia sejuk mata memandang. Heh, you know what I mean. Terima kasih sahabat kerana beri sedikit kesedaran, walaupun kesedaran ini entah berapa lama boleh tahan. Sekarang baru terasa menyesal tak penuhkan wardrobe dengan pakaian2 yang labuh, kalau boleh nak jubah all black ke. HUUUUU... tipu lah, kalau nak cakap Im not into fashion, hello.. almost semua ig, Ive followed dari designer baju sampailah ke model2..haha. But now, hmm.. adalah kesedaran, nak pakai sexy pun pakailah depan husband. Itu lebih baik.. huhuhuhu...Sahabat nasihat, suruh buang semua baju yang memang tak elok dipakai, but for me... seriously, ohh my tak sanggup. Tak apalah simpan lah, kot2 dengan harapan dah kahwin pun muat lagi, boleh pakai dekat rumah. But, memang azam balik Malaysia ni, nak penuhkan dengan jubah hitam je ni..huhu

4. Of course I am too scared with the economy.
Dalam kepala otak banyak gila plan nak bukak bisnes, nak join itu, nak join ini.. semuanya sebab nak cari duit lebih. Memanglah duit tak boleh beli kebahagiaan, tapi nak beri kebahagiaan tu semua perlukan duit. Contoh, nak luangkan masa dengan family makan2, perlu duit juga kan. Well, kebahagiaan yang ditafsirkan orang lain2, but for me, when it relates everything with family...the time you could spend is kebahagiaan for me. Cukuplah harta untuk family, kalau berlebih tu insyaAllah itu hak orang lain. Tengok orang lain di Malaysia sekarang lumba2 nak jadi kaya. Yelah, semuanya nak lari dari kesusahan hidup...

5. Seriously scared to adapt with the Malaysian environment
Entahlah, dengar macam2 cerita kawan2di tempat kerja lagi2, if malays semua. Ye la tak semua sama. Kipas2 bos, mengumpat, bergossip, jaga tepi kain, and banyak lagi..somehow tetiba rasa tak biasa nak adapt dengan semua tu. Hanya mampu doa je la dari sekarang, moga nanti persekitaran tempat tinggal baru, tempat kerja baru baik-baik hendaknya.

I guess, all the things Ive mentioned above semuanya about negative things right? I know, we have to be positive every time but at least I can expect what could happen in the future. Hmmm hmmm..

Someone special

A note to myself.

"If you have someone special, act like you have one. "

Money vs life.

Hello dear diary,

Lately, banyak sangat benda yang bermain di fikiran. And before that, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah , alhamdulillah fify gonna be an engineer soon. Sounds weird but thats it... 

Hmm, walaupun sebenarnya hati macam ragu-ragu nak terima, tapi takpe, cuba dulu.. kalau tak kena hati, berhenti. 

At last, I followed my unexpected plan, which is balik Malaysia, kerja and at the same time sambung master in Project Management (construction related) and I plan to be a project manager, insyaAllah.. and keputusan balik Malaysia cuma satu： ibu ayah 

And to be honest, I am not that type of what we always called "family oriented person" cause I know, every single action I take, I never ask permission from them. And I am the only daughter who always break the rules. Never been in the house for too long when long holidays was me, as I don't feel like being in home. Home = stressload. 

At the age of 23, on last spring holidays, I just realized that being home is the only way I can make my parents happier. ='(

And, from that moment, I changed my mind not to work in Japan, although that is the thing that I've planned a long time ago, and I also got a dream of having my dream car after working in Japan for a year. Well, well.. it's time to say goodbye to my dream car, and all the duniawi here. 

I've been thinking about too many pros and cons if working in Japan. After listing the pros and cons, I found out that I don't think that I am suited to work here, as I am not discipline enough and I am very bad at stress management. 

For me, working in Japan means no 'life'. Wait, I know not all people means the same.  

'Life' in this situation for me is:

～ I can eat my mom's cook whenever I feel I want to after balik kerja ke.. 

～I can go home,be with family whenever I want 

～ I can ask any of my friends to have dinner together or listening to my probs,story, blablabla

～I can spend times many more with family 

～ Foodsss. As food lover, I can eat what I want anywhere. Heehee I love Jalan Jalan Cari Makan. Tell me where's the best food no matter what the distance is, I'm sure I'll have my leg there. 

～ Home, home, home, home. FULLSTOP.

So here the challenging part is,

MONEY vs LIFE

Although I've pushed the ON button, but seriously.. back for good is like something that really scared me enough. Everyday, I feel so scared being in Malaysia. Of course it's all about money don'tcha. But, everyday jugak I try to persuade my self, Allah kan dah sediakan rezeki untuk setiap orang, so why would you scare.. and I just believe, good things will come if we make our parents happier. =') insyaAllah. 

Secondly, yeah. Of course I don't feel safe in Malaysia. Lagi-lagi di jalan raya. I guess I have to listen to my ayah's opinion, that he gonna be my driver to go work. Haha. I am too scare to drive, coz I feel so disgusted with the Malaysian.. bila di jalanan terus berubah jadi syaitan. Turun kereta bukan main ayu, sopan santun, tapi bila di jalan raya, terus keluar tanduk syaitan. You wanna show off your driving skill, pergilah maen kat litar. Ok, fullstop.

Then, I've been thinking many ways in order to survive in Malaysia, as my friend just warned me saying "Fy, nak keje kat Malaysia kena buat side income fy, zettai." 

Almost every night I can't sleep well cause my brain can't stop thinking, what I wanna do beside work. I am interested in joining hartanah thingy, pelaburan, saham, etc. And I also got too many plans. But the sad thing is, all plans need money. 

Menyesal kadang memang menyesal sebab tak kumpul duit. But then I try to recall back where are all my money gones, it makes me a bit relief. I guess I've spend a lot of my money on travelling, seeing the world which I guess experience that money can't buy, besides it's okay to spend money just to make people happy, or those who needed,  and last thing.. apelah nak di compare duit untuk fam dengan kasih sayang yang diberikan. No regret, then. 

I've always pegang kata-kata ayah,

"Dalam rezeki kita sebenarnya ada rezeki orang. Kalau kita kaya, kita pegang amanah untuk tolong yang susah." =')

But trust me, rezeki itu always akan ada saat2 kita susah selagi kita tolong orang. Buat orang happy pun kira tolong juga =) Noted that. 

Hmmm, ok sampai sini sahaja luahan hati. Gonna update soon about my upcoming plans coz I have to start planning on my budget here and there, and a little bit research about my plan. Till then, see ya. 

Sweet man does exist.

Hello dear public diary,

Kesian blog dah berhabuk, sebab lately too many things to decide by pemilik blog. Ok lets postpone that thing... will talk about it later. Gonna update in English, cause my English suck day by day. So, again and again pardon my language.

Hmm, I don't know where to start, but above title.. I guess it could tell you many things. YES, I am not gonna talk about all the what we called "nonsense-stupid-love-relationship" , but hmm its all about what I've learnt so far from the man that I adore(unrealized) 6 years ago and what I feel after experiencing 4 times of heart-broken.

After break-up with past boyfriend, yes I felt like Im gonna lock my heart and throw away the key to the pacific ocean, so no one could open the lock. But, hmm it is just a decision when I feel that I can't trust any man.

But.. after taking a deep breath, and a long time of thinking, why wouldn't I try to open my heart to the one that I still have my heart on him since 6 years ago??? And honestly that was my what so called the "1st sight love" maybe.

But the question why now, you wanna try??why not 6 years before? I guess people are the same, we don't have the 'jishin', confidence , as like the person that we like is no way to feel the same, or at least to have the courage to get to know us. Therefore, along the 6 years, I've let many new person into my life till I learnt that each of them was the wrong person that I shouldn't meet at all. Back then I realize, after reading this quote "Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for the gift."

And,maybe God wants me to learn something from the person that I've met so that I can improve in my marriage relationship. 

Last month, me and him got into a conclusion, for me it is a new fact that I just realized out of sudden when we chatting about relationship. 
1st, in many common relationship when it comes to love from just one side. For example the man loves the girl but the girl not. In this case, the girl will experience 2 phase or cycle in that relationship whereas 
1st phase: the man is trying so hard to get her heart..the man will do anything and the momentum starts. 
2nd phase: when he finally got her heart. The momentum starts to slow down because he has used all his energy on the 1st phase. And banggggg!at the end, the girl feels that he didn't appreciate her. Finally.. the relationship is going nowhere..

Without realizing anything, that kind of conversation pops up in my mind and that is the exactly what I feel from the previous relationship.

Sekarang, in this min, sec.. I still learning on how to have a stable relationship. Too many new things that I learnt from this man somehow open up a bit of my mind. I used to be the one who always the accepter in relationship but I know, not everyone will chase you like forever. People have limit. Its time for me to learn the give and take, and give more without expecting the returns.

I don't know why I found the way he is when in relationship was so cool and "bertuahnya perempuan yang jadi teman hidup dia.." always come up into my mind. And honestly he didn't make that too much effort, I mean he got his own way to make his effort.. and most important thing is he always there when I need someome to talk the most. From what I observed, I believe he is kinda a sweet man with his wife as he always simpan his sweetness walaupun kadang terkantoi. Hehe. Ok no sweet talk here, and let it be the secret between us.

Hmm, last but not least, I believe sweet man does exist.

P/s: can't wait for you to spill out the sweetness =') will patiently wait tough.